Batteries not included

I must admit, I am not a fan of greenies or tree-huggers. In fact, I find these people rather creepy and somewhat psychotically-inclined in their rabid idealism and fancy ideas about saving the world from deodorant cans.

Not that saving the environment is a bad thing per se, but to spend so much energy trying to prevent global warming and watching Al Gore documentaries seems a bit misguided in the face of more pressing global ills.

I have no problem with some hippie chasing down Japanese whaling vessels, somewhere in the Pacific, or pelting politicians with eggs at world summits. However, I do get uncomfortable when their delusions of greener pastures start to encroach on my lifestyle.

Take SA's latest green contribution - the Joule electric car, developed by a company called Optimal Energy. According to a recent interview with the company's CEO, Kobus Meiring, plans are afoot to set up a plant and start mass production of the Joule by 2012. To make matters worse, projected production figures indicate that some 50 000 of these glorified go-karts will roll off the assembly line per year. God forbid.

If I could start an anti-green movement, this would certainly be my main motivation. There are many reasons why I would resist this particular revolution in the way we drive, not least being that the Joule and its peers seem to offer no real value.

Firstly, the thing is down-right ugly. And it's not just the Joule - I have yet to see an electric car that does not look like a cross between a golf-cart and a Shar Pei. Let's face it, next to even an average, everyday car, like a Mercedes Benz or BMW, electric cars look awkward and somewhat deformed. Let's not even mention anything classic, such as an Aston Martin, for instance.

I have yet to see an electric car that does not look like a cross between a golf-cart and a Shar Pei.

Martin Czernowalow, online editor, ITWeb

Sure, both will get you from A to B, but that's not really the point, is it? Why, it's like the difference between taking out Roseanne Barr or Angelina Jolie to dinner. Both would turn heads, but for vastly differing reasons.

Secondly, there is the performance factor. Meiring did mention in the interview that the biggest negative perceptions about electric cars have always been related to range, speed and style, with such cars generally being considered “small and unattractive”. But no more, says Meiring, before listing the Joule's performance specs.

Apparently, with today's battery technology, the Joule has a range of 300km and a top speed of 135km/h. I'm sorry, but this is hardly impressive, even compared to an average delivery van.

And this is a very simplistic comparison of range and top speed. The world's leading car manufacturers spend millions in R&D to bring you performance-enhancing gizmos like active suspension, traction control, stability control, etc. Somehow, I can't see any of these being available on the Joule. It is also doubtful whether it would come with climate control, power steering, cruise control or CD shuttle. Again, it's like putting Roseanne Barr next to Angelina Jolie and claiming there is little to choose from in terms of ride quality.

Oh, but wait, the electric car is silent - that's a plus, isn't it? Well, unless you live on top of a freeway, this is not something that most people really care or think about. In fact, any discerning petrol-head not only wants to feel the grunt, but also hear it.

Thirdly, now that we've established that the electric car is ugly and has no grunt, the hook must be the price, right? Eh, no... actually, not.

According to Meiring, in 2009 terms, the Joule would cost R240 000 - for the base model! I'm sorry, but that's simply outrageous.

Now, in 2009 terms, R240 000 can get you a BMW 116i three-door, a Peugeot 207 GTi 1.6, a Mazda 3 2.0 Dynamic, a Dodge Caliber 2.4 SXT or a Renault Clio 3 Sport 2.0, to name but a few. Below R240 000, the South African consumer is truly spoilt for choice, with an array of small and medium sedans and hatchbacks that are not necessarily base models.

But hang on, that's not the end of it. After forking out a considerable sum of money on a car that is ugly and has no grunt, batteries still have to be leased separately, and are not included in the already-overinflated purchase price.

Supposedly, the battery charges using a standard 220V home outlet, with seven hours of charge time required for 200km range. The monthly battery leasing equates to about two tanks of fuel for a conventional car, says Meiring. And that's about the equivalent of running a small hatchback around Joburg, like a Chevy Spark, for instance, except that the Joule costs four times as much.

So, we can safely say that the price and running costs are nothing to write home about. In fact, at this stage, I can see no positives here at all.

But there is hope. And salvation might come in the most unlikely form - Eskom. The electric car runs on... well, electricity. Fortunately, we rely on Eskom to produce this stuff and, as we know, that's not exactly what Eskom does best. In fact, its core business these days seems to be load-shedding and paying millions to under-performing senior managers.

Anyway, say 1 000 delusional individuals purchased 1 000 ugly, expensive electric cars and all of them plugged these in for a good overnight charge. That should be that...

Arguably, the Joule could always be charged using a diesel-powered generator in these situations, but that would just take the inconvenient truth to whole new levels.

Of course, I could probably also question whether the Joule is really all that environment-friendly at all, if one considers how much coal would be used to generate enough electricity to charge a couple of thousand of these monstrosities a day, but that would be kicking a man while he's down.

Suffice to say, I'll take Angelina out to dinner any day - she might be a bit more expensive, a little more dangerous and perhaps a little loud after a few cocktails... but I'll bet she grunts.