Heading north

Before I left for my holiday in Mozambique last year, I devoted a column to griping about how difficult it was to find up-to-date information online about the place.

Now, having been, and knowing how well ITWeb articles feature on most major search engines, I decided to compile my own Guide to Getting Around in Mozambique, in the hopes that the next potential traveller who tries to search for information will be helped by what I have to say.

If you are driving to Mozambique, you are going to learn the meaning of red tape. At the border, there will be any number of young men who offer to help you through. Accept their help.

You will need your driver`s licence. You don`t officially need an international driver`s licence, but given the propensity of the local police to demand "presents" to overlook missing documentation, it`s a good idea to have even the papers you don`t need.

You will need your car`s ownership papers, or, in the case of a car that hasn`t been paid off, a letter from your bank giving you permission to take it out of the country.

If you are driving to Mozambique, you are going to learn the meaning of red tape.

ITWeb Brainstorm editor

Make sure you purchase third-party insurance from an AA travel shop, and keep the papers in your car at all times. Once in possession of your insurance, still do your best not to run anyone over, as apparently you will have to be arrested for "your own protection".

If you are not towing a trailer, you do not need a blue triangle on the bumper in the front of your car. The point is to show that you are driving an extra-long vehicle. However, the triangle`s absence is yet another excuse for police harassment, and pointing repeatedly at the space where your trailer isn`t does little to deter them from their extortion. Just buy the triangle, which is also available from the AA.

Make sure that everything on your car works, and while you`re there, replace anything that`s stolen off it. If you are fined, your passport is taken away and you have to drive into a town to settle, so it`s best to avoid adding on what can amount to four hours to your trip.

Don`t believe anyone when they tell you the roads are good. They are not good. Mozambicans can be forgiven for thinking so after nearly 20 years of civil war, but this is not the case. The roads are riddled with potholes and consumed by dunes. A normal car will survive the trip, but a 4x4 is definitely the way to go.

Even if you think you have a cast-iron stomach, take Valoid and Immodium with you. There are nasty microbes in Mozambique, in the water, in the air and in the seafood. Given 24 hours, your body will generally shake off any infestation, but you`ll feel a hell of a lot better doing it if your head isn`t down a particularly putrid toilet bowl.

Avoid the local hospitals at all costs. People there are dying of scary diseases, and you will feel like a drama queen for inflicting your illness on the overworked doctors.

Take your malaria tablets. I cannot stress this enough. Before we went, some people tried to convince us that we could just cover up in the evenings, and use mosquito repellent, and we`d be fine.

It`s too hot to cover up in the evenings. The mosquitoes regard repellent as sauce on the main course of human. They attack in formation. They land on mosquito coils and giggle at you. Take your malaria tablets.

Take an instant malaria testing kit with you. Malaria behaves like all sorts of other tropical illnesses at first, so it`s always best to be sure before you start popping Immodium and Valoid.

Everything is cheap in Mozambique, except petrol, which is stinking expensive (and incidentally, unleaded petrol is unavailable in most places to the North).

The local currency is the metical. It is not unusual to fork out one million meticais for a dinner for four, so don`t let the frightening number of zeroes on your bill ruin your meal.

The best way to work with such overly enthusiastic currency is to work out how many rands to 100 000 meticais (the average cost of a meal), and do all your calculations from there.

Give a tip of 10% in restaurants - it`s only polite, and you`ll be paying next to nothing for your meal. The enthusiasm with which tips are accepted is also heart-warming.

The interesting thing about shopping at the markets in Mozambique is that some locals are willing to bargain, and yell cheaper and cheaper prices at you as they gauge your level of interest, while others are mortally insulted when you suggest paying them less than they originally requested.

If you`re driving across the border, buy meticais at the last petrol station you come to on your left in SA. There is a Thomas Cook exchange there, and some black marketers who are willing to negotiate with you on the exchange rate. You will need meticais for some of the toll roads, and to pay customs officials on your way into Maputo.

Aside from all the things you have to figure out to get yourself around in Mozambique, the experience of being there more than makes up for the hassles you have to go through.

The beaches are exquisite, the food is great, the cities are fascinating and everything (except petrol) is very, very cheap.

I`ll be going back, pleased to be more familiar with the processes of this fantastic country. Good luck!