Not sure how many of you are familiar with the novelty song: “I'm my own Grandpa”, originally dating back to 1947. Basically, the song tells the story of a man, who - through a convoluted series of marriages - becomes his own grandfather.
What made me think of this is the situation I currently find myself in, which seems to be almost as confusing as the story told in the song.
You see, according to Home Affairs, I am married to a woman who is now divorced from me... which implies, conversely, that she is divorced from a man who is still married to her. I'm not too sure where this leaves our dogs.
Let me backtrack a bit. About three years ago, I got divorced. That was the easy part.
At the beginning of last year, my ex decided to move to Australia, as ex-wives do to get as far away from their ex-husbands as they possibly can, I suppose. Or it could have been the crime in SA, or something.
Be that as it may, while getting her affairs and documents in order to leave the country, the ex discovered Home Affairs still had her down as married - a year after our divorce - to me.
This in itself is hardly a shocker, considering that the department is known for these kinds of shenanigans. It is not unusual for South Africans to wake up one morning and discover that they have, overnight, been married to a gentleman of Nigerian origin, become a Chinese acrobat or have grown a Siamese twin.
It's complicated
As a result, my ex spent an entire day at Home Affairs, filling in forms, speaking to disinterested bureaucrats and losing her temper to get her marital status amended. After this painful exercise, the ex packed for Perth and I carried on happily, thinking that all was in order.
But alas, last week, I logged onto the Home Affairs Web site and, for the heck of it, checked my marital status against my ID number. Yes, you guessed it, I'm still married!
Right, so herein lies the quandary: if I am still married to her, then who is she divorced from? If only one of us is divorced from the other, are we only half-divorced? Are we half-married? Does this depend on whether I'm an optimist or pessimist?
What should my Facebook status be? “It's complicated” implies relationship problems. I don't have problems; I'm just confused. Could I be left for divorced by the side of the road, like I could be left for dead? Could I then recover my senses and seek revenge? Questions, questions and more questions...
According to Home Affairs, I am married to a woman who is now divorced from me.
Martin Czernowalow, ITWeb Online editor, ITWeb
These keep me up at night. I have flashbacks: “'Till death do you part... 'till death do you part...” Oh please, make it stop!
But here's the kicker: logic dictates that if my ex-wife specifically got Home Affairs to amend her marital status, does the next step not follow that there are two people in this set-up? Should the other half in this marriage not be marked down as divorced by default? Must I waste my time pointing out the obvious?
In June this year, newly-elected Home Affairs minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma promised to clean up the Home Affairs circus and complete delayed projects. Madam minister, I don't think you have any clue about the magnitude of the task facing you.
Lies and incompetence
After all, is this not the bunch that have collectively been called the “most dysfunctional” department in the ANC zoo? Is this not the same bunch that sat on their hands until the UK finally lost patience and demanded visas from South African travellers, because of the scale of passport fraud?
And, finally, are these not the same ones who, just recently, went on record and lied to ITWeb, claiming the department's passport woes are over - when, in fact, a leaked internal memo told a completely different story?
Madam minister, I'm pleased to hear you have recognised that corruption is a major problem within your department. I'm also pleased you have admitted incompetence is rife and that Home Affairs staff would have to be reviewed. But, sadly, I've heard these sweeping statements before.
Isn't that what director-general Mavuso Msimang said when he hopped over from the State IT Agency? And he seems to have disappeared into the woodwork.
On the other hand, madam minister, I'm disappointed to see you are already hedging your bets. While you promised to clean up Home Affairs, in the next breath you warned the turnaround would not happen overnight, but would take years.
Yes, I bet. Probably more than five, which means you will probably no longer be in this portfolio and you can walk away clean, while Home Affairs will still not be able to organise a piss-up in a brewery.
'Till death do us part, indeed...
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