Names in IT that floor us

I have the perfect job. I write down some words and I get paid for it. What could be more perfect? Along with my colleagues, I sometimes feign guilt at the enormous unfairness of it all, and perhaps for a fleeting moment consider a real job. Something that feels like work, that harasses the living hell out of you.

They`re giving our spell-checking software a really hard time.

Carel Alberts, technology editor, ITWeb

But then I remember that we do get harassed. We get worked up, because somebody`s messing with the rules. In fact, in our line of work, they`re all doing it.

By the rules I mean simple, everyday rules of grammar. Where did they go? Why isn`t anyone following them anymore?

By and large, people in my line of work still have to be able to write and speak properly. You know, the kind of thing where you capitalise only proper nouns, where you have a verb in almost every sentence, where commas separate phrases at the right time and you know which conjunction should follow a linkage between two clauses. That sort of thing.

And yet, with the Internet making every Joe Soap a potential published author, all this is nothing to the guy who starts up a new business. While we balk and blanch at infinitives being split and designations being capitalised, these guys are happily (and knowingly) destroying every linguistic precept once held dear, striking at the very core of our existence as journalists. And they`re giving our spell-checking software a really hard time.

So, yes, we do have our problems. And when it comes to the names of IT companies, they come in the following categories:

Homophones are words that sound the same but have different meanings. Wordy types substitute one for the other to make puns, mostly to amuse themselves, and if they`re lucky, there`s a number they can use whose pronunciation sounds exactly like some small part of another word. But who thought Integr8 IT or activ8 was so gr8? u2? 4 Pete`s sake! b2bafrica is another one that may have to be reconsidered.

People who chat a lot perhaps associate with this one, but we think marcus evans looks, well, slightly self-deprecating in official context.

Take a well-known word. Twist it around to seem like a new word, if need be changing the spelling somewhat. Voil`a! For d'ej`a vu, you now have Dejevu, and for optimum, you have Opti-num. There`s also Comverse Technology, Qwest, Thawte Consulting, Mynd, Elexir, Fraxion and the list goes on. Intuit sort of falls into this category, but it`s a real word, so we`ll let it go.

Easily the least elegant name I`ve come across in the biz must be E.piphany. We think it`s a travesty. Or an apostasy. It`s something or other. When it comes to all things "e", IBM did us the favour of coining the phrase e-business. We all took it very seriously - eBucks making a whole business out of it. But these days, etv has me snorting my coffee at 7.25 every evening when they go into e Arts and e Business. Locally, we also have e.com institute and a gaggle of others. Enough said.

It would be ignorant to suggest this next one doesn`t mean anything (although this has been known to happen; it just might). But Embarcadero Technologies (such a nice, easy one to say) seems a hell of a cross to bear. AOL/Time Warner also needs work.

MTNice comes to mind immediately. Xstrata, although in another industry, also deserves mention, as does Consiliarii.

I imagine 10 really stumped-for-ideas guys coming up with the following: Homestore.com and Corpcapital. Really, people.

Some Scandinavian guy apparently got the nod with this jewel when Andersen Consulting had had enough of its legacy. You guessed it. It`s Accenture, which is Danish for accent on the future.

One needs only look at any press release in one`s inbox to find a handful. RealNetworks, InfoSpace, NetBank, eBay, VeriSign - everyone`s an offender.

I already mentioned e.com, in another category. There`s also ERP.com, arivia.kom, Telkom, .Net. The stuff is everywhere. You can`t escape it.

Datacentrix sounds a bit like a character in Asterix. So does Datrix, SoftWorx and a variety of others.

The first one that comes to mind is MGX. What does it mean? Also, EC-Hold and NRG. We don`t know what it stands for, we`re not sure they do, and when NRG or LXJ is an excuse to be cute, well, on your head be it.

Y3K is probably the most ambitious name I`ve come across. There are others like it, but I think the hubris here is so astonishing it`s worth inclusion by itself.

There are a host of names that should perhaps have been rethought, ones that I`ll include in this catch-all category, because the specific variety of oddness is so widespread. Names that include tec/tech/solution/synergy/TCO or other attempts to "leverage" the buzzwords of the industry are always a source of some lip-curling amusement. Not to worry, we suppose. It`s hard to escape it.

My favourites are the brands that insist on being capitalised. USKO and UUNET are examples. The move to resist is usually unthinking and instantaneous, especially since our style guide says I`m within my rights. But sadly, sometimes they get away with it. Yahoo! gets my goat in a big way, as does Metropolis*. Then there`s another company which alternates upper and lower case. I think I blocked out the name. Plus, there`s EMC^2. Ouch.

We won`t say a word. You know who you are.

Soho is always top of mind. I suppose brands weren`t meant to induce serenity.

At some point in our distant past, q was the coolest letter to end in. Compaq (compatibility and quality) was first, but then came Pinteq and a host of others.

Has anyone tried to find the Black IT Forum on the Web? We`ll help you out. It`s www.bit4m.co.za.

Some brands don`t have anything to do with anything. Liquid Thought is one example.

Of course, it must be admitted that ITWeb`s moniker also breaks a few rules!

As long as there are companies that think up new and clever ways to get their brands followed, and journalists that write about them, there will be amusement and dissent. As Ali G says: Let`s make it happen!