Short man's syndrome

If you have young children, then you will understand why it was that I actually looked forward to returning to work after the "holidays".

No more whines of "Mommy I'm bo-ored", an escape from the post-Christmas bomb site which was my home, adult conversation and, most importantly, a cup of coffee drunk while still hot.

However, returning to work also had its drawbacks. Particularly my e-mail inbox.

On an average working day, in a normal time of the year, I can expect to receive between 200 and 300 e-mails. So returning to only 2 783 e-mails - after a three-week vacation - was a pleasant surprise.

Wading through those mails to make sure nothing important was missed, was another story.

Christmas wishes sent (to a work e-mail address) a day or two before the actual day left me irritated rather than uplifted and were the first to go. Newsletters from various local and international news agencies followed shortly after.

A spate of e-mails written in Chinese/Korean/Japanese hovered around for a while, but only because I couldn't help but be curious how I got onto the hit list of some oriental spammers.

Correct me if I am wrong, but surely most of us know that these offers are at best dodgy?

Kimberly Guest, senior journalist, ITWeb

Interspersed in these e-mails was a veritable plethora of messages promising to increase the size and sustainability of my manhood. This was probably just as well, as I also had a number of sexual propositions from women I had never heard of.

Am I missing something? Did I dream the horrid pregnancies and convoluted births of my two darling children? Did I watch too much Dallas as a youngster?

I'm pretty sure I'm female. I consulted with my husband who blanched before stuttering that he was pretty sure I was of the fairer sex. (I couldn't make out his mumblings about wearing the pants and balls though.)

So establishing (mostly) that this must be spam, I sat back and considered what these people hoped to achieve through their "promotions".

Correct me if I am wrong, but surely most of us know that these offers are at best dodgy?

If I were a man, I would rather suffer the embarrassment of visiting my GP than take the risk of ingesting some medication that could have long-term negative effects on my pride and joy. Alternatively, there must be some late-night pharmacy, or reputable adult store on the other side of town - where no one knows your name - that could provide a better and safer substitute.

As a woman, the only comparison I can make is to offerings which are universal.

And yes, I admit I have been tempted by the offers of cheap Prozac (my kids take after me!), but as soon as my hand started moving the mouse towards the respond icon, I pulled back quickly. I'm just not willing to take that risk.

So the next assumption I made was that it must be some kind of virus. However, a full virus and other baddie scan returned to me negative. Afraid of Web-based naughties, I opted not to check the Web sites to see if that was where the trap lay.

My musings and investigations leave me with only one conclusion: some men are actually interested in these offerings. If the virus/bot/malware does not reside within the e-mail, then the perpetrators must be successful in getting people to go to the Web site. Personally, I advise you to take a drive around "the other side of town". Trust me, you and your personal details are far safer.

But back to me.

It's now a week since I returned to work and most of my e-mail has been successfully moved to the delete folder. Tonight, I fully intend to reward myself with a large glass of wine: after all, I have cleared most of my inbox and discovered something new about the inner workings of (some) men.

Now, that's an achievement.