Taking percussive maintenance to a new level

I am a self-confessed technophobe, someone who - while not in the same category as those sad people in the famous TV advert (you know, the one where the guy uses the CD-ROM drive as a coffee cup holder) - can barely get the basics to work.

However, despite this, I doubt that I`m in the minority when I say there have been numerous occasions where I have been sorely tempted to toss my uncooperative, irritating and downright obnoxious computer straight out of the window.

The well-known "error 404" messages, the sudden and inexplicable shutting down of one or more programs, despite the user not having touched any buttons, and the infamous blue screen of death are all guaranteed to make the blood boil.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who design the programs do so in order to make us average users feel inferior.

Rodney Weidemann, journalist, ITWeb

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who design the programs do so in order to make us average users feel inferior, possibly even to induce the kind of "PC rage" that leads one to risk future employment opportunities by flinging the company`s expensive machine into the parking lot.

As an example of how widespread this affliction is, a recent survey of over 1 000 British office workers showed that more than 50% had, at some stage, found themselves on the verge of fisticuffs with their machine.

Still, if we think that the occasional homicidal tendency towards a computer is something that should lead us to seek therapy, I guess that would mean they`d have to lock Ukrainians up in the nuthouse for good.

The central Ukrainian city of Zaporizhzhya recently played host to the first Open Computer Destruction Championship, where more than 300 sledgehammer-wielding, mouse-kicking citizens took part in a competition to destroy computer equipment in the most spectacular way possible.

According to BBC reports, the event was organised by a local radio station, with the aim of raising awareness about the perils of spending too much time in front of a PC - yeah, right!

It was all about venting anger on these infernal machines that occupy so much of our lives and cause so much in-office stress, as can be seen by the three main categories, namely: chucking a keyboard, kicking a computer mouse and the "creative destruction" of computer monitors.

Apparently Eastern Europe - the Ukraine in particular - has been the breeding ground for numerous technology-bashing sports, such as that of mobile phone throwing, and now, computer-bashing.

What I don`t understand is how a country with one of the lowest GDP figures in Europe could spawn such a passion for abusing hi-tech equipment, nor why the winners of the above-mentioned categories received computer equipment as their prizes.

What I do know (and am very thankful for) is that I am definitely not alone out there.

UK-based Web site theregister.com has already published a guide called "102 Ways to Kill Your Computer", while another site, run by a Texan, shows you how to overhaul old 486 machines using only a shotgun.

Author Tom Murphy VII has a publication called "The Illustrated Guide to Breaking Your Computer", which offers step-by-step instructions in how to partition a disk-drive using a hack-saw, while another chapter is entitled: "Monitor + Hammer = Good Clean Fun!"

So it seems there are stranger people than myself out there - people who destroy PCs in the name of fun, sport, or just plain stress-relief (I am reminded here of that brilliant scene in the film "Office Space", where three workers take the company printer out into a field and smash it to bits with baseball bats).

Personally I think I`ll fight the dark urge to maim and cripple my machine - I`m already so close to the edge, I`m afraid that giving in will only lead to me becoming a serial (port) killer.