Picture the scene. You're at a soir'ee - some fancy business do. The kind that comes with hors d'oeuvres and wine that cost roughly the same as dinner for a family of six. You're making polite conversation - but who are you making it with?
The room is full of people. A couple of the faces are familiar, but they belong to folk who share no interests with you and have nothing stimulating to say. They don't work in similar industries; they don't have similar life goals to you. Knowing all this, do you immediately seek them out and force yourself to make awkward conversation, hanging onto every word they say, despite it boring you to death? Or are you flittering around from random person to random person handing them your business card without a word?
More likely, you strike up conversation with someone nearby. If you find you have nothing in common, the conversation is dry and they work in an industry you can't relate to, you wrap up the conversation and move on. This is what has come to be known as "networking".
Things fall apart
Why does it all fall to pieces the second you add the word "social" in front of it?
A 2011 study by New York University discovered that we make important decisions about one another in the first seven seconds of meeting.
"The moment that stranger sees you, his or her brain makes a thousand computations: Are you someone to approach or to avoid? Are you friend or foe? Do you have status and authority? Are you trustworthy, competent, likeable, confident?" says Forbes.
No second chances
The study says you never get a second chance at a first impression. While it is possible to change someone's opinion of you from that first encounter, it will take time and much effort on your part.
This is why business courses stress elevator pitches - wrapping up a greeting and brief about your business in the time it takes for an elevator to reach the desired floor - a few seconds to catch people's attention and to hold on to it.
What does this have to do with social media? Social media may be new technology, but the rules are the same.
Social media may be new technology, but the rules are the same.
In my mind, social platforms are like vast parties. Facebook is the kind I might have on the beach with some close friends. Twitter is the kind I used to have at university, where I didn't know everyone and things could get a bit crazy, but all in all, the conversation was issue-focused. Sometimes, the issues are deep and philosophical, sometimes they're about where's best to grab a burger. Google+ is a small gathering of geeks in someone's apartment. They have great ideas and lots of funny pictures. The discussions are intense, but divided into "circles" (or different rooms) and that makes the whole thing feel a bit cliquey. Then there's LinkedIn, the soir'ee where everyone is dressed in their business best.
In these contexts, there are rules for meeting new people. You wouldn't simply invite yourself to someone's beach party having never met them and not knowing anything about them, so why send friend requests to complete strangers on Facebook? You might, however, tag along with a mutual friend. That's why Facebook tells you when you send friend requests how many mutual friends you have. If the answer is zero, maybe choose another context to meet them? You also wouldn't invite yourself to someone's beach party when you've only ever had professional dealings with them previously. This would put them in an awkward position. They can't say no to you without damaging your professional relationship, and yet they may not feel comfortable having you see them in their bathing suit.
At a gathering where groups of people are having intense conversations, no one minds if you listen in. If someone gets out of hand and starts dancing on the table, no one would mind if you watched and even cheered. No one expects you to only speak to people you know. What they do expect is that you won't elbow in to a conversation and start going on about your product. You won't offer someone advice to solve a problem they're lamenting and then demand they solve it using your product, or buy you a drink to say thanks for the help. You also won't go around carrying a sign reading "talk to me please", or "I'll talk to you if you talk to me".
Why then is this behaviour so common on Twitter? Real people, bots excluded, will suddenly join a conversation with a product pitch. They'll use hashtags like #teamfollowback or have descriptions in their profiles that say "I follow back".
Just the other day, someone gave me advice and then immediately demanded I buy them coffee. In dollars. Via PayPal. (Unfollow, block.)
People bemoan the lack of activity on Google+. Tumbleweed jokes abound. Would you just walk into a stranger's apartment, shut the door behind you and stand quietly staring at them expecting them to entertain you? If so, being social you're doing it wrong. Social is both a give and a take of communication. Open up your own apartment door and start providing content that will entertain people. You'll soon see that others will join your clique.
Then there is LinkedIn. You're standing drinking the expensive wine, contemplating your own work experience. Suddenly someone will come along with a wad of business cards and hand you one. Are you likely to tell others you've met this person? Are you likely to even remember who they are? And if they're asking for your business card in return only so they can spam you in future using all the personal details and access you've provided, you're not going to be too pleased, are you? You'd expect them to either be introduced through a mutual acquaintance or bring out that elevator pitch. Adding 'randoms' on LinkedIn is not enough. Tell them why you're adding them. Or better yet, get to know them in another context first.
No one is forcing you to use social media, but here's a great tip from an expert (Andy Hadfield): If you do decide you want to 'leverage' social, then do yourself the favour of listening first. Get to know the context and the etiquette of the platform you have your eye on. That way, when you do decide to engage, you won't come across as a freak (my words, not his).
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