Commemorating under-achievement

The Post Office recently issued a call for suggestions for stamp designs for the coming year. Such a call usually causes philatelists to polish their magnifying glasses with a sense of purpose as they debate what designs should be selected.

Since about 1840, when the first stamps started to make their appearance in southern Africa, stamp designs have been created to celebrate or emphasise some form of national trait, or an issue that affects the country.

For instance, this year the Post Office had designs celebrating the Asian ancestry of some of our citizens by printing a set of stamps depicting the Chinese Year of the Monkey. Then there were special editions celebrating 10 years of democracy and volunteers.

To be issued are stamp sets celebrating influential women, heroes of freedom and even the police in a special anti-crime issue.

But what makes the sets special, as every stamp collector knows, are the imperfections, or errors that occur every now and then in the printing process. Finding a set of such stamps adds to the value of the collection and the prestige of the collector who spotted it.

So why not bring all these aspects together in a special issue of stamps that will highlight the country`s telecommunications under-achievement?

This stamp will highlight that it doesn`t matter how bizarre some of our laws are; we are not afraid of confusing the issue even more.

Paul Vecchiatto, journalist, ITWeb

I think the first stamp in the issue should be one showing our minister of communications, Ivy Matseppe-Casaburri, in a position of repose on a sofa while attending an important conference. It should not be too difficult to get her to pose for it, although I suggest the artist wears slippers so as not to disturb her nap. A restful, cherubic expression should not be too difficult to capture.

The next design could possibly be a picture of a telephone ringing off its hook. This will celebrate the Department of Communications` non-communications policy of never returning phone calls. An alternative could be a message machine with a no-go symbol pasted over it.

To celebrate the plethora of telecommunications legislation that has been passed during the last 10 years, we could have a design depicting stacks of paper with a big question mark hovering over them. This stamp will highlight that it doesn`t matter how bizarre some of our laws are; we are not afraid of confusing the issue even more.

An image of a broken telephone line would illustrate that SA has slipped from being the 11^th most connected country in the world to around 19^th place and the decline is set to continue. Maybe an illustration of some young, happy faces celebrating this fact will help liven it up.

The non-appearance of a second national operator (SNO) could be celebrated with a picture of a snowball roasting in the flames of hell. But what would make this stamp unique is the way one buys it. Firstly, a prospective buyer would have to get a consortium together, pay for the stamp, and then squabble among each other during the five years it takes to arrive.

Another stamp that could have a unique purchasing arrangement would be one that celebrates Telkom`s ADSL offering. To emphasise the 3GB cap placed on the ADSL service, one would only be allowed to buy three of the stamps each month and then be charged a really high premium if another is needed.

The picture on the ADSL stamp could be the time-honoured one of the skeleton sitting in front of the computer waiting for something to download.

Finally, two stamps should be printed to celebrate Telkom`s amazing business success. The first could depict SBC and Malaysia Telecomms executives waving from the boarding stairs of a jetliner with the caption: "So long and thanks for all the profits." The second could depict a guillotine with an image of a Telkom executive saying: "We`re reducing our headcount."