When we were children and we asked for something, if we forgot to say "please", our parents would instantly retort with the question "What is the magic word?" before they would even think of obliging us with our request. For the majority of us, this worthwhile training in consideration of others has followed us into adulthood, and the words "please" and "thank you" continue to be effectively utilised in our everyday conversations.
The antidote is clarity, which is achieved using one simple tool, the magic word "why?".
Jill Hamlyn, MD, The People Business.
While politeness prevails in adult communication, dialogues may often become misconstrued due to misinterpretation of either the content or the tone of the communicated message. Examples of this may be seen in meetings or discussions where unnecessary conflict or a personal attack occurs that often deviates from the main purpose of the discussion.
Out of the two basic consciously active communication skills - talking and listening - talking is generally considered as active and listening as passive. I do not believe this to be so. Listening is as active a behaviour as talking because it necessarily incorporates understanding.
There is a disturbing trend among people in business to talk without listening, listen without talking and to become defensive if challenged or questioned. The consequences of these ways of miscommunication most often lead to misunderstandings which waste time and energy, and which ultimately have an impact on productivity and the bottom line profitability of business.
Leading on from this I believe that a number of people practice what I call "defensive listening", which is most often apparent in situations where they are being questioned, challenged or criticised. People listen and interpret what they are hearing according to their context. We very often hear what we want to hear. Sometimes we hear what we do not want to hear, and what actually was not said in the first place. Another element that exacerbates the ease of communication is sometimes what I would term "contextual domination"; that time when we are overwhelmed by the situation due to a mixture of the players, the environment or the overriding purpose of the event, that results in an automatic raising of barriers and defences that prevent us from listening.
Not many people like or enjoy being questioned, challenged or criticised because not many people know how to question, challenge or criticise in a respectful manner. Being defensive can become a knee-jerk reaction and listening is clouded. This is not the ideal situation.
The solution
The antidote to this is clarity, which is achieved using one simple tool, the magic word "why?".
Consider the following interaction between two individuals in a group after one individual has made a suggestion or statement to which the other individual replies: "I really don`t think that is a good idea. In fact, it has no merits that I can see." This is, of course, not the ideal response to a suggestion, and reactions can run the gamut from feeling put down to seething in silence to making a snappy retort. The conversation may degenerate from there.
Now extend the scenario. The first individual makes the suggestion to which the second individual replies, "I really don`t think that is a good ideal. In fact, it has no merits that I can see." The first individual then asks, "Why?", which can be dressed up as "Why do you think that?".
Do you see how this can change everything? The first individual has to answer the question and in order to do this, has to reflect on the reasons for making the reply that was made. If there are valid reasons for replying in such a negative or dismissive manner, the tone of the conversation is forced to change anyway because the focus has changed from the first individual and the suggestion towards the inner life of the second individual. When this happens, and individuals are referring to themselves rather than others, lines of communication are opened. The interaction becomes genuine and clarity is achieved.
"Why?" is not a defensive question; it is an open-ended enquiry based on a need for clarification and understanding, and it compels an answer that is based on thought, reflection and some sort of factual basis rather than emotion. It is such a simple question, yet it has the power to enhance a talk/listening interaction in such a fundamental way.
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