She looks up from behind the monitor of her husband's PC as he walks through the door (floral guilt purchase in hand), and says with a deadpan countenance: “You've got some explaining to do.” He knows exactly what she is talking about, and his rubescent face tells her everything she needs to know, before he even says a word. And really, she doesn't need to say another word. But she will. In fact, many words will be hurled back and forth, afire with her rage and resentment, and his initial denial, and finally, defeated justification. Busted.
This is not just a hypothetical scenario, sketched from fanciful imagination. Couples' discord caused by cyber flirting is not only real, it is universally prevalent. And with the bounty of platforms the Internet boom has brought about, it is unlikely that anyone who forms part of the world's vast online society has not dabbled in - or experienced - cyber flirting in one way or another.
However, while most women classify cyber flirting as cheating, the masculine contingent of South African Internet users tend to disagree (no surprises there, *wink, wink*). This is according to the latest sex survey, featured in the July issues of Women's Health and Men's Health magazines, which reveals that only 45.5% of men consider online flirting to be cheating, compared to the 70.4% of women who balk at the notion of it being harmless fun.
But, how can it constitute cheating, when relations are carried out across an inert platform, with an often unknown distance between the partakers? After all, the monitor is merely a cold, apathetic object and the keyboard a plastic medium. No human touch, no body language. The only language this platform shares is binary language - right?
Not quite. Many in psychology circles beg to differ. Experts say meeting online can be a highly-charged experience for people who discover they can say or suggest anything, reinvent themselves, and visualise almost anything about their virtual correspondent across the modem.
Emotional bonds are easy to form when there is no physical presence and the human elements of insecurity and fear of judgment are taken out of the equation. A perceived safety net, the Internet, has the power to transform even the most demure of dames and gents into, well - wanton women and men. And emotional bonds, many believe, is where the betrayal comes in.
Indelible footprint
Another consideration is the element of secrecy. Take, for example, ever so elusively named local sites like “outoftownaffairs.co.za”, “marriedandlooking.co.za”, and “sweetdiscreet.com”, which facilitate supposedly inconspicuous virtual encounters, even with or between married people. If there is no deception - if cyber flirting is indeed not a guilty pleasure - why is it necessary to conceal it from your partner? Yet, research shows that most people who engage in online flirting do it cloak-and-dagger style.
As much as you don't like to hear it - you use the Internet, you leave a footprint.
Bonnie Tubbs, journalist, ITWeb
The thing is - as much as you don't like to hear it - you use the Internet, you leave a footprint. Sinister as it may seem, there will always be traceable evidence of your online activity, dubious or otherwise. Inevitably, if your partner wants to confirm his or her suspicions, suspicions will be confirmed - sooner or later.
Too many people underestimate the power and permanence of the Internet, to their demise.
Dangerous liaison
You also have to ask yourself why cyber flirting often incites intense anger in the party who stumbles across the online correspondence. If infidelity wasn't even remotely at play, surely it would not produce such a heated reaction.
Perhaps an extreme case, but a case in point nonetheless, is that of American sports-caster Howard Eskin's cyber dalliance with 47-year-old lonely heart Marlene Stumpf. While they never met face-to-face, the two engaged in what some would classify as a harmless flirtatious liaison via Eskin's Web site and private e-mail.
As they say, it's all fun and games until someone gets brutally stabbed and left for dead in a pool of blood on their kitchen floor. Stumpf's husband, enraged by a bouquet of red roses sent to his wife by her online darling, stabbed her to death in the heat of a consequential argument. And this was as far back as 1997.
Today, the ever-growing smorgasbord of online chat, flirt and dating sites for both single and involved individuals, lends credence to the demand there is for cyber flirting. Whether lonely, bored, curious, looking for love or simply seeking affirmation - there is no shortage of sites that will cater to your needs. It's almost too easy, too tempting.
Sure, many cyber flirters will remain anonymous to each other, and anyway, it really boils down to a case of “each to his or her own”. But perhaps it would be safer to err on the side of caution - just in case what you view as a spot of flirtatious fun is not met with the same degree of blas'e by your partner. Because, statistically, it probably won't be.
* Disclaimer: While I have tried my best to remain objective in this debate, some subtle bias may exist on account of me having been a victim of my (now ex) partner's virtual infidelity.
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